i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
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Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Not recommended for beginners.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.