I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Y’all know who you are.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.