Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
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[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
new career option?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I don’t get marriage
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.