Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If snakes were wide
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”