My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
You Might Also Like
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
stand with me against insufficient seating
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk