TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
You Might Also Like
uncle dave has been through hell
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
My dog learned how to text
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough