A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
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call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4