God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
cat vs inanimate object
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
They must have gotten it to go.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER