My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
You Might Also Like
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Just a reminder, folks:
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”