Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*