Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
You Might Also Like
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Breaking news:
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
so this horse walks into a bar