[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
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Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
The days of good grammer has went
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
😂🤣😂🤣
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.