Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug