me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
You Might Also Like
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I just love that new Pope smell.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.