Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
You Might Also Like
also my go-to takeaway order
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Siri, fight Alexa.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
and now we wait
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over