“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.