7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.