She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
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Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Mornin
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
i made a craigslist ad !
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Worth a try