The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
did it work
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.