Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
crochet youtube is brutal
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Just had my nails done!
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know