The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
You Might Also Like
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW