*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
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Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
A customer told me they were never coming back….
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Just me?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.