i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
You Might Also Like
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Oh we’ve met.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down