Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
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I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Who knew!
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.