We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Mornin
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.