[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Cat.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.