If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.