A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
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Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes