[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.