I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
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Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
According to math, I’m broke
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”