me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT