I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”