I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I can’t stop laughing at this
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!