I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
What if all the cashiers are married?
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!