Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
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“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
c’mon!
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system