Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
You Might Also Like
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog