When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to countđ
You Might Also Like
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. Heâs asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasnât found the bread yet.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. Thatâs like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like âiâm gonna get me some, as soon as youâre not paying attentionâ
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Another interpretation of pavlovâs experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
people will criticize your dreams. âyou canât marry the moon.â âbeing sad is not a real job.â âstop summoning the devil.â ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
accessories can really boost a womanâs self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Netflix is asking every five minutes if weâre still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: Iâll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Do you think police always say âDo you know why I pulled you over?â on the off chance that youâll admit to some high crime?
âShit… Was it the treason?â
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because itâs been completely eliminated from their diets.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My husband is a keeper.
No, thatâs not the word.
Hoarder. Heâs a hoarder.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.