i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Simple
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
What’s so funny?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash