I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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Story of my life…..
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.