A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Good morning, Twitter x
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
oh you wanna fight?!
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.