You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
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[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
shampoo implies shampee
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs