I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know