*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now