Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
You Might Also Like
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.