*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.