if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
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The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe