If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
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The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Happy Caturday!
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it