*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.