Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.