Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
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writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.